If you give the kids some DISCIPLINE....

Of course dating and then marrying a man with young kids brings with it it's own set of issues to worry about. Who disciplines who and how tops the list.

I'm not sure how this came about, maybe it's just the teacher in me, but for me, it never was really an issue. When I am around kids, they listen and do as I ask them to. Now quite frankly, they may turn their back and stick out their tongue, but as long as I don't see it...it's all good. I learned long ago that you can not act on every single little picky thing a kid does. You must pick your battles, carefully saving most of your energy for the wars. Oh and the wars do happen!

Hunk and I spent many hours discussing this discipline thing. As I said, for me not such an issue. Having had the 3 kids and being a teacher, it was pretty cinchy and routine for me. Hunk's kids at the time were 9 and 5 and they fit well into my comfort zone of discipline. So I've just done what I have always done and it's been pretty good. For Hunk however, being a disciplinarian was a scary thought and he wasn't sure if he could get comfortable with disciplining a teenage daughter who was being displaced in every area of her life. He was shaking in his boots to put it mildly.

I know Hunk sought some professional advice as well as some not-so-professional, friendly advice. He read a few books and then tossed it all around and slowly but surely began to try. Not to say that Big Girl was/is out of control, but she tended to be mouthy at times and a bit disrespectful. You know, typical teenage girl behavior that has to be dealt with.

I remember the first few times she needed to be "reeled in" and Hunk said to me "Aren't you going to say or do something?" So going back to my statement a few lines up, I pick my battles and MY battles aren't always the same as HIS battles therefor, sometimes, there was a conflict between us that came about because of that. I'm not sure what the better thing to do is here. I admit that. She knew my boundaries, but had no clue what Hunk's were. And as much as I wanted to often intervene, I had to let them work it out on their own.
Quite honestly, it was hard to listen and watch someone else tell Big Girl what to do or how to do it. NEVER in her then, 14 years had anyone other than myself disciplined her. Her daddy was mostly and absent parent with his job. So any and all discipline fell on my shoulders.

At first I felt like every time Hunk called her down it was a strike in my box. Instead of seeing a relationship blooming between them, I felt like in some contorted way he was saying I had done a less that admirable job. Admittedly, I don't take criticism well, so it was hard dreadful for me. He would do the deed and I would either seethe quietly or cry. It took a while, but eventually I toughened up and learned to accept his methods and eventually seek his help when issues were in need of a coalition! You know what I mean..."Mom can I use the car?" LOL! There were also minor grade issues and school issues like skipping class without permission! Yep, we needed to form the COALITION!

Today, things are better. They aren't perfect and Hunk still has rough periods of trying to decide what to do? He is much more conscious of rude behavior and mouthiness (is that a word?) than I am. I am so much more of a "big picture" type person. Hunk has set boundaries and Big Girl knows them. We tag team often and that works well. On a rare occasion we need the coalition. Now that Big Girl is 18, we have loosened the reigns a bit and allowed her to make some adult decisions while carefully watching and coaching along the way. So far, so good.

The younger kids, have just fallen into place discipline wise. I'm sure it is/was hard for Hunk to watch me impose punishment at first. Although truthfully, it was and still is a rare occasion. As Boy 3 gets older he has begun to "test the water" a bit with his mouth. He always starts out funny and then gets carried away and begins to border disrespect. Our Little Girl has had very few issues although she is finally beginning to see that she has to fend for herself a bit. I mean with five kids there are times when it's survival of the fittest!

So what are our major issues right now? Well, with the "home crew", it's all the sibling issues. You know the stuff...he said/she said, he looked at me/she looked at me, he's rude/she's rude, he took/she took. All the yucky things that will result in a "go to your room" real quick around here. And, by the way, "go to your room" does NOT mean watch TV. play electronics or read. It means close your door, think about your behavior and I'll call you at the appropriate time to join the family again.

For the older boys, there is really no discipline going on. Our relationship is more guidance based. So we coach them on money issues, relationship issues, employment issues etc. We have been known to "cut them off" a bit if we feel they are wasting valuable resources. A case in point: We have agreed to pay Son 2's cell bill while he is in university, BUT, we will only pay the reasonable monthly charge. So after being here in Canada for 5 weeks over Christmas break, his bill was twice what it normally is! Since we pay 50% of his rent, we paid 1/4 of it for two months to re-coup our fees. He had to somehow come up with the additional money. And guess what? HE did! Doubt we'll have that issue again as it was tough to only eat 2 meals a day!

My experience is that no matter how well you discuss and plan your path of discipline, it's trial by fire. At first it is uncomfortable and unnerving, but as time passes and the family comfort levels take root, it becomes routine and normal and before you know it, you just don't notice it much.

Today, our BLENDED FAMILY is like any other family. We have our days where someone is always "on hold" in their room, and we have days where we just rock along. Thankfully we are rocking along more and more!