I am, by nature, a very outgoing person. You know the type- never met a stranger or someone I couldn't talk to. But it has been very difficult for me to fit in since I made the move here. I'm sure it's not because people in Canada are unfriendly. I have met very nice people here. I just can't seem to find my niche and it could well be just me.
Looking in the mirror I see a woman who was the eldest of four children, who was married at barely 20 years old, who had three children by the time she was 30, who became a military wife, who had a vibrant career, who lost a husband and became a single parent in the span of 2 years. I see a woman who met a man, fell in love, made life changing decisions to create a new family, become a mom of five incredible kids, and who moved away from her country, career, family and friends. I see a woman who embraces life, who is positive and happy and who is completely in love with family, friends and God. I see me. And.....I like me. I like where I am, who I am and where I'm going. I am strong, confident and grounded and those are all good qualities to bring into any friendship.
I thought that as soon as I put the girls in ballet here I would meet other mothers that were like me. I went to class after class and sat and watched the girls, but never could break through. All the mom's there had their group that had been seemingly formed since their children began dance at age 2 and my two girls were, at the time, 14 and 5. Unlike my previous experiences at the other dance schools in the States, it just didn't happen. So after two years of trying I retreated to the car with my Blackberry and waited quietly until classes were finished. Eventually the girls were no longer interested in dance and we moved onward.
Day after day I took Baby Girl to SK (Senior Kindergarten) and would see other mothers there I knew, but as I looked around I was by far the oldest mother there and I felt so out of the loop. I did make a handful of friends and we became close. We don't see each other daily anymore but we do occasionally get together for coffee and a chat and it's nice to have women to talk to.
Teen Boy decided about three years ago that he would like to play baseball. After enduring long baseball careers with both of the older boys and making good friends I was certain that THIS would finally be the place I would meet that one good friend. So I packed the folding chairs, the cooler of water and the sunscreen and off I went to meet my Momma Friend. NOPE. The first year we sat all alone and virtually spoke to no one. The second year we did make friends with another family but mostly it was the dad who came to the games and if the mom came, she usually sat elsewhere. So again no Momma Friend there.
By this time I am beginning to wonder if I am giving off some vibe that kept people away. Did I all of a sudden have a face that said OLD or UNFRIENDLY or SAD or what? Did I have an invisible cage around me with a sign that read dangerous
So in a last ditch effort I decided to take the plunge into the CWC (Catholic Women's Connection) at church. It was Christmas and there was a potluck and the bulletin said "ALL women of the church are welcome to bring a dish to share and join us." I made a trifle and put on some make up to cover the
Now friendship circles isn't the only place I find it hard to fit in. It has been almost impossible to find my spot in Hunk's family as well.
I remember during our "courtship" (I hate that word by the way) I met his family and everyone was so warm and welcoming. In fact, that was a big part of my decision to move here. I have a WONDERFUL relationship with my late husband's family, and I found Hunk's family no different. WELL....UNTIL.....we got married.
I should preface all of this by saying that my mother in law (Hunk's Mom) and I have a wonderful, loving relationship now, but we have had a few bumps in the road along the way. Not long after we were married and were settled into our townhouse we hosted Christmas. We prepared the meal and had everyone over and it was FUN. Really fun. Then at Easter we did the same thing, only by then we were living in our new home. Things began to change. After Hunk's father passed away in 2009, the bottom fell out and it's not been the same. All I can say is the old adage "jealousy will rule the heart and the mind if given the chance to run" We haven't seen Hunk's family (other than his mother whom we see regularly) in 18 months. In fact, they hide from us. There have been a few times when we have been in the same room and they position themselves so as not to have to say hello or even make eye contact. But onward we trot. I send Christmas cards and ask about them frequently.
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| Hunk's Family |
I have friends. I have a best girlfriend who lives a thousand miles away. We talk frequently and even when months go by and we don't talk we pick up right where we left off. We have been friends for 45 years and there is nothing that could replace or shatter our friendship. I have friends in every single place I have ever lived. I have friends from my childhood that I am still in touch with and friends from my military (wife) life I could simply not live without. I am not lacking in friends. What I am missing is a freind here that I can call in the wake of a storm (yes we have storms in our house!) and talk to. That friend that I can go shopping with or to a chick flick with or on a shopping spree with. THAT is the friend I am missing HERE. The one I "fit in" with.
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| My bestie with her husband and youngest son |
I miss the weekend outings with my late husband's sister. My heart always skips a beat when I hear that she is going to a museum or out to eat with mutual friends. I get that pang of angst when she goes on a trip or has a drink after work with a forever friend. And when the family gets together for a celebration I can almost feel the tears roll down my cheeks. I can't let that hold me back. I have to accept it and move forward.
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| Pam and me on my wedding day |
I have accepted my place in life right now. Despite not having that close relationship, I am happy. I feel good about where I am, and I look forward to continuing the trek to find that Forever Momma Friend I seek to have. She's out there somewhere and soon life might just throw me the curve I need to find her!
Sending you all terrific Tuesday thoughts!
Ah, the fitting in. People here are very friendly but at a surface level. And I am not naturally outgoing, so without a job (being a teacher meant having work friends at the very least), it's been harder to met people.
ReplyDeleteI have always been the oldest mom. I actually don't expect to make friends with the moms of her peers really who are closer in age to my oldest step-daughter, but it was a long, long time before I was included in conversations at dance or on school field trips.
The town we live near is small and outsiders are just that. The small town "we grew up together and so did our parents before us" is something that is mostly uncrackable.
Rob's family is scattered and he was never close to them. We see his mom once a year or so. She's remarried now though and we don't hear from her as much. He was absorbed into his late wife's family when they married and our extended family is really her family, but the sisters - though very nice - are distant now and the cousins are young adults (like our older girls) and caught up in building their lives, as they should be.
Our next door neighbor was a good friend of Rob's late wife and she is probably the most constant of our outside friends. She adores our little daughter and she and I can chat like women do, but she works a lot so that's not often.
Mostly, I am just me. There are no lunches, coffee dates or shopping outings with friends. All my friends are really back in the States.
Teaching yoga has spiced my life a tiny bit and I write for a website, so I have Twitter and blog friends. It's not really the same.
I wonder if it's just the fact that I was older when I relocated and, let's face it, our lasting friendships tend to be formed in our 20's when we are moving out into the world on our own for the first time.
Ironically though I am less lonely than I have ever been in my life. An odd juxtaposition.
Your words brought a little tear to my eyes, how I felt those times when I just wanted a girl friend to hang out with. leave the military life was a big change for me. Born and married into it. I wasn't use to the outside world. Never staying more than a couple years in one place, you write for years but it is hard to maintain a close relationships. I have one girlfriend for the last 30 years. (Call,text, facebook)We meet twice a year... pick right up like we just left each others house the night before. Co-workers are okay... but everyone is so busy rushing home to take care of their lives. Most people all work. I miss my life in the military, when we stayed home, watched our children grow up, volunteer to help those who are in need. Times I just want to walk across the street and sit and talk for hours
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