Whew! What a weekend! I absolutely loved it, but I am feeling it's after affects today. It's rainy, cool and grey and I am one tired puppy after a BUSY weekend spent almost exclusively in church. I have never spent so much time in church as I did this weekend. It was a blessing but my knees are feeling the repercussions of it though I have so much to be thankful and on my knees for.
Survival is such a strong word. When I think "survival", I think SURVIVOR, as in the TV show. You know, lost on a deserted island and left with minimal food and water yet coming out on the other side of weeks in fine shape and attaining the prize. But in fact, I can relate suvivorship to so many times in my life.
As a child I often wondered if I would survive a day in school. Then I wondered if I would survive the punishment I would get if my report card and grades were not up to par. I remember like yesterday being 16 and the first time I ever got pulled over by a policeman, and I wondered if I would survive the tongue lashing that awaited me on the home front.
I went away to college and I wondered if I would survive the first week away from home. After a long relationship with my high school sweetheart, I wondered if I would survive the breakup. I wondered about surviving the first ever exam week in college. I met and fell in love with a guy who went to school 2 hours away and I was certain I could not possibly survive only seeing him on weekends. Then he moved to Texas and I knew there was no surviving that distance.
I married and moved to Kansas, half a country away from my family, and that was an extreme test of my survival. Then I became pregnant and the thoughts of surviving labor caused me such anxiety that I nearly caused early labor! Surviving newborn nights and toddler days were true testings of surviving motherhood.
As a teacher, I had horrific panic attacks of surviving testing week, review time and deadlines.
In 2006 I wasn't sure if I would survive what was then, the biggest survival test of my life, widowhood at 42 with 3 kids. How on earth was I ever to survive filing taxes, taking care of my house, car, kids, job, finances, family? I was seriously doubting my survival on any level.
In 2007 I met my husband. I wondered if I could survive. But this time my emotions were flying all over the place. Survival was the question that popped into my mind EVERY single time we parted ways for weeks or even a month. Survival was questioned when I thought of his Diabetes and the possibility of not having him for the rest of my life. My survival was questioned when I agreed to sell my house in NJ and move to Canada. Would I survive saying goodbye to my friends and family and job and students, all of whom I was richly attached? It was daunting. I tired just thinking about it all.
But anyone that knows me knows that I am a SURVIVOR at heart. My mantra is always "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and so I have survived. My story is not that unique. Many before me have fell upon times when they too questioned whether they could survive the good, the bad and the ugly. I join the ranks of those survivors. I have survived the ugly. I have survived the bad and I am now completely in survivor mode as I embrace the good.
Our busy family is cause for survival. I have five beautiful and wonderfully made children who make me proud to be their mother. Oh heck yeah I get mad. Oh heck yeah I go through disappointment. Oh heck yeah I, at times, yell and scream. But I wouldn't trade my survival as a mother for anything in the world.
As a wife, I have faced it all. But I have been so very richly blessed to have been given my soul mate, my HUNK and my reason for survival. Without him, I would not question my survival, I simply doubt I would!
We are given gifts for all seasons and as I embrace my middle ages, I am thankful for ALL that I have and ALL that I survive for. I hope that through my actions I am teaching my children to become survivors too.
For me it's no longer a question of "If" it's now a question of "how"? I AM A SURVIVOR...forever.
Cheers this Tuesday~~
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