Grief? What's that? Part TWO

Now managing grief in my own life is no easy task, but many have asked how I manage the grief of my family. I tell you being a mother and wife is hard work in a family without "issues" and then you throw in anything that sets the earth off kilter and it is nothing short of really hard work, right?

I have my thoughts on managing my kids grief. I did a little non-scientific research when I knew I was faced with the task in 2006. I decided to let my little bit of  knowledge of child psychology be my guide and go with the philosophy of:  listen-when-they-talk, answer-questions-on-their-level and advise-when-advice-is-asked-for."   For all five kids this has worked extremely well.

 All five have shown their grief differently. The eldest have, for the most part, used their own coping skills. They have exercised, created busy-ness in their lives and yes, even used alcohol as a deterrent. The latter I am NOT proud of, but knowing that losing his father at the age of 21 could arouse that potential, I was ready to offer other ideas to that grieving son. For the middle child it has meant times of mouthy, rude behavior. There have been times of tears and times of her just wanting to talk about the old times. Not long ago she told me that she had decided to move on and that she knew her daddy would always be in her heart but she was "ready" to move forward into the next phase of her life. No one rushed her. No one pushed her. She did it when SHE was ready. For the younger two it has mostly meant reliving memories of their past or questions from our youngest as to where Angel Mommy really is. Just this morning as we prepared for school, a commercial came on the TV about the various Catholic cemeteries here. The place where Angel Mommy "is" flashed up on the screen and she said "Look Mommy, that's where Angel Mommy is!" I quickly confirmed that and waited for more conversation. There was none. THAT was all she needed to know. Recently as we prepared for weekend visitors, I removed the 11x14 picture of Angel Mommy from our youngest son's room. The picture stood on his dresser and I just felt like perhaps our guests didn't want to wake to Angel Mommy on the mornings they were here! I safely tucked it between some books in the top of his closet until our guests had left. Upon their departure the picture was the first thing our son asked for. So I reached in the closet, took the picture and placed it back on his dresser. Clearly he is not yet at the point where he wants to put her photo away. THAT IS OKAY. I am not offended in the least and would never try to force him along HIS path of grieving. It's different for every child everyone. For Son #2 it has more or less been a "silent issue", he seems to prefer "personal grief."  He is aware that he is always able to talk to me/us or to anyone else, but being a very introspective person, he has largely dealt with his grief alone. He seems well adjusted, thriving and happy, so HIS approach must be working for HIM.

In my marriage grief has certainly reared it's ugly head a few times here and there. Be it myself or my Hunk, it seems to catch us off guard and never ready. Most frequently for me, I seem to be triggered by dreams of my past or  business issues that have arisen. It's funny to me, but lately I have often found that screaming in privacy helps. When I feel helpless, that is usually my first line of defense. I am NOT proud of that and I continue to work on that monster.

As for my Hunk....I don't know what to really say. He has never really shared his grief with me. Much like Son #2, he prefers to keep his grief personal and private. That works for HIM. The few times I have asked about grief, he has never really wanted to talk about it so we don't. It doesn't "define" our marriage and I am okay with giving him his space, time and privacy to deal as he needs to.

As a family our day to day life is absolutely not surrounded by grief, distant memories or painful reminders. there are times when someone will need to talk and we all try and take the time to listen. But we don't set aside time, talk about sensitive issues or conjure up painful topics that incite the Tsunami wave.

If you were a fly on our wall, you would see a family that is busy, active and healthy. You would see the typical family relationships of sibling arguments, parents asking begging for chores and homework to be done, parents agonizing over trudging through parental decisions, lovers snuggled on a sofa watching a movie and the wheels of my SUV spinning out of control as we are off to yet another activity!

Have a great weekend!