If you give the kids some DISCIPLINE....

Of course dating and then marrying a man with young kids brings with it it's own set of issues to worry about. Who disciplines who and how tops the list.

I'm not sure how this came about, maybe it's just the teacher in me, but for me, it never was really an issue. When I am around kids, they listen and do as I ask them to. Now quite frankly, they may turn their back and stick out their tongue, but as long as I don't see it...it's all good. I learned long ago that you can not act on every single little picky thing a kid does. You must pick your battles, carefully saving most of your energy for the wars. Oh and the wars do happen!

Hunk and I spent many hours discussing this discipline thing. As I said, for me not such an issue. Having had the 3 kids and being a teacher, it was pretty cinchy and routine for me. Hunk's kids at the time were 9 and 5 and they fit well into my comfort zone of discipline. So I've just done what I have always done and it's been pretty good. For Hunk however, being a disciplinarian was a scary thought and he wasn't sure if he could get comfortable with disciplining a teenage daughter who was being displaced in every area of her life. He was shaking in his boots to put it mildly.

I know Hunk sought some professional advice as well as some not-so-professional, friendly advice. He read a few books and then tossed it all around and slowly but surely began to try. Not to say that Big Girl was/is out of control, but she tended to be mouthy at times and a bit disrespectful. You know, typical teenage girl behavior that has to be dealt with.

I remember the first few times she needed to be "reeled in" and Hunk said to me "Aren't you going to say or do something?" So going back to my statement a few lines up, I pick my battles and MY battles aren't always the same as HIS battles therefor, sometimes, there was a conflict between us that came about because of that. I'm not sure what the better thing to do is here. I admit that. She knew my boundaries, but had no clue what Hunk's were. And as much as I wanted to often intervene, I had to let them work it out on their own.
Quite honestly, it was hard to listen and watch someone else tell Big Girl what to do or how to do it. NEVER in her then, 14 years had anyone other than myself disciplined her. Her daddy was mostly and absent parent with his job. So any and all discipline fell on my shoulders.

At first I felt like every time Hunk called her down it was a strike in my box. Instead of seeing a relationship blooming between them, I felt like in some contorted way he was saying I had done a less that admirable job. Admittedly, I don't take criticism well, so it was hard dreadful for me. He would do the deed and I would either seethe quietly or cry. It took a while, but eventually I toughened up and learned to accept his methods and eventually seek his help when issues were in need of a coalition! You know what I mean..."Mom can I use the car?" LOL! There were also minor grade issues and school issues like skipping class without permission! Yep, we needed to form the COALITION!

Today, things are better. They aren't perfect and Hunk still has rough periods of trying to decide what to do? He is much more conscious of rude behavior and mouthiness (is that a word?) than I am. I am so much more of a "big picture" type person. Hunk has set boundaries and Big Girl knows them. We tag team often and that works well. On a rare occasion we need the coalition. Now that Big Girl is 18, we have loosened the reigns a bit and allowed her to make some adult decisions while carefully watching and coaching along the way. So far, so good.

The younger kids, have just fallen into place discipline wise. I'm sure it is/was hard for Hunk to watch me impose punishment at first. Although truthfully, it was and still is a rare occasion. As Boy 3 gets older he has begun to "test the water" a bit with his mouth. He always starts out funny and then gets carried away and begins to border disrespect. Our Little Girl has had very few issues although she is finally beginning to see that she has to fend for herself a bit. I mean with five kids there are times when it's survival of the fittest!

So what are our major issues right now? Well, with the "home crew", it's all the sibling issues. You know the stuff...he said/she said, he looked at me/she looked at me, he's rude/she's rude, he took/she took. All the yucky things that will result in a "go to your room" real quick around here. And, by the way, "go to your room" does NOT mean watch TV. play electronics or read. It means close your door, think about your behavior and I'll call you at the appropriate time to join the family again.

For the older boys, there is really no discipline going on. Our relationship is more guidance based. So we coach them on money issues, relationship issues, employment issues etc. We have been known to "cut them off" a bit if we feel they are wasting valuable resources. A case in point: We have agreed to pay Son 2's cell bill while he is in university, BUT, we will only pay the reasonable monthly charge. So after being here in Canada for 5 weeks over Christmas break, his bill was twice what it normally is! Since we pay 50% of his rent, we paid 1/4 of it for two months to re-coup our fees. He had to somehow come up with the additional money. And guess what? HE did! Doubt we'll have that issue again as it was tough to only eat 2 meals a day!

My experience is that no matter how well you discuss and plan your path of discipline, it's trial by fire. At first it is uncomfortable and unnerving, but as time passes and the family comfort levels take root, it becomes routine and normal and before you know it, you just don't notice it much.

Today, our BLENDED FAMILY is like any other family. We have our days where someone is always "on hold" in their room, and we have days where we just rock along. Thankfully we are rocking along more and more!

Say what?

So after a whirlwind courtship spanning two countries and lots of very long phone calls we were engaged in June 2007. We made plans to marry on 8-8-08. We paid deposits, met with priests and laid all the plans not only for our formal stateside wedding, but also for the reception in Canada after we were married. Well you know what they say "the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray" and ours did very quickly. Our 8-8-08 wedding date turned into 9-22-07 and NO, I was not pregnant!

Ferdinand popped the question high above the CN Tower in Toronto, and we began to sweat a bit! Now we had to make the official announcement to so many people. Though we were  happy  overjoyed and excited, would everyone else be? We were nervous scared to death, but we were convicted and happy and so we embraced the moment and set off. Well.....not so much!

Shortly after our engagement school was out and I was headed south to visit my mother and family and friends along the way. Ferdinand and I spent hours via phone and computer planning the wedding and making plans. Before you knew it, it was August and  we were on our way to our Pre-Honeymoon Family Cruise complete with 4 of our 5 kids! What a blast we had!! After a week of bliss we said our goodbyes in Florida and Ferdinand and the young kids headed back to Canada while Son 2 and daughter and I headed to Georgia to drop Son 2 off at the Civil War Andrew College! The town of Cuthbert was nothing shy of Civil War looking. In fact, I am pretty sure that the roads were still dusty! But that's a story for another post!

After driving three days and some more family and friend visits along the way it was time to finally get home and unpack before beginning a new school year. I remember walking into school the first day and sweating profusely. I had to make the big announcement soon that I would be getting married on September 22 and it was already September 8th! I had spent hours writing and re-writing my resignation letter. It was perfect and polished, but I wasn't! This was a job that I loved. I loved the people, the students, the staff and the school community. I had many friends and a huge support group there. I was terrified. I was nervous that my friends would think I was crazy and say it was too soon. I was nervous that they would laugh and make jokes. I was plain scared. But, I did it. I put the letter in an inter-office envelope and sent it to our Board and with that I breathed a sigh of relief. Thirty days and I was done.

That next weekend I visited my parents in-laws, whom I loved dearly. Sporting my ring for  the first time ever in their presence I was a freaking, nervous, sick-to-my-stomach, wanna throw up, MESS. I could barely concentrate on the words we were speaking much less eat the food Mom had prepared. All I could focus on was just what in the world I was going to say. I had dropped subtle hints to Mom and Sister (in law) for sometime, but I had never had the nerve to tell them. And Dad? NO WAY! He was still deep in the mourning stages of Bob's loss and I was extremely afraid that telling him would do damage on many levels. First, it would anger him that it had only been 16 months since Bob had died. Then I knew he would fall apart at the thought that his only grandchildren were leaving. Lastly I knew that my leaving would leave a void too deep for him to comprehend. We were close.

As I remember it, we cooked out that day and ate on the back porch. After dinner we had dessert and somehow as if on cue, a conversation began on rings. Or maybe it was jewelry. Anyway it opened the door for me to show Mom and Dad and Sister (in law) my ring and announce our engagement. At this point I can only remember Dad saying "oh that's nice" before it hit him and he went through the phases of shock, stunned and then for a brief moment anger. The questions I knew he'd ask were asked and I did my best to answer them honestly. By the time I was ready to leave he had emotionally circled around to acceptance and we hugged and bid all a fond farewell. Things were good. okay.

Now Ferdinand's story of telling his parents and in law's is similar. His parents "knew" thought they didn't really know!  First of all in his Filipino culture, you don't bring a girl home to meet the family until you're sure she's the one. I met the family pretty very quickly. Then his mother, Nanay, said to me, " I have never heard my Ferdinand laugh (so much) until he met you." But after he bought the ring and showed it to them he made the official announcement and received their blessings before we made the trip to the CN Tower!

Telling his in-laws was a bit trickier for Ferd. He didn't tell them! He preferred to keep our relationship a secret from them. I honored that request although I wasn't really sure how it would work out. The second weekend after we were married was Alma's first anniversary (of death) and Ferdinand was hosting a catered dinner at a restaurant in her memory. Although he asked begged that Jordan and I go, I didn't think that was the time or the place for us to show up and now announce our marriage, so we bowed out and stayed home. A good decision. Eventually he did tell them and they too were shocked but were happy that the younger kids would have a mom and a normal family life to grow up in.

Today, everyone knows. Both sides have accepted us all as extensions of our families and the best part of it all is that for our kids it means TWO extra sets of grandparents and for Ferdinand and I, extra parents that love us and support us and our wonderful BLENDED FAMILY!

Definition

Friday night was a good night. Usually a Friday night would find our family camped out in front of the TV with either a movie or some family program entertaining us. This Friday night was different. The kids were all occupied doing their own thing. The two smaller ones were playing with the kitty and the big girl had joined friends for a movie night out. Hunk and I were snuggled on the sofa in the living room where it was cool  and quiet. Not long after a conversation ensued regarding...grief. Now I say "..." because we almost never discuss grief, but Friday night was different. Good Different.

I think I opened the conversation by asking what Hunk thought of my blog entry for Friday. I asked him if what I had written about him was offensive to him in any way. He said "no". He went on then to continue the conversation which is so unusual.

He said, "I'm not sure why you believe that I am a private person on the grief issue."

 "Well, hmmmm, because it has NEVER been an issue for you in my presence so I just thought it must be something you do privately", I replied.

"Well let's talk about grief then. What is grief?" Hunk questioned.

I thought for a few minutes and really tried to conjure up in my mind what grief was/is to me. I pictured a elderly woman dressed in black and veiled wailing at the tombside of her beloved. That wasn't what I was for sure. I pictured a man beside his beloved's hospital bed with a heavy heart and tear filled eyes. I pictured Hunk's sister wailing at her father's graveside and trying to literally jump in the grave. But I could not come up with words to describe grief. So I threw it back to him.

"I don't know Honey, what is it to YOU?" I thought I could put the proverbial "monkey on his back". He had an answer right away.

"Grief to me is the lack of complete-ness, of closure, when someone you love and care about dies." He said looking directly into my eyes.

What a GENIUS answer. I stared back at him and simply said "Oh my goodness, THAT is EXACTLY what it is. EXACTLY."

Now I know why neither of us has grieved our late spouses death and I know why we will never grieve their death. We had that closure. We had that complete-ness. When they both left this world and went to the next, we had said and done ALL of the things that needed to be said and done. We both had made plans with our partners. We had kissed them softly goodbye and we were both ready to carry on with our children and our future. For us, it wasn't a sudden goodbye. It was a process and through that process we grieved, so that when the end came we were able to carry on.

This is why for most of our kids, it has been much easier to move forward. We both made sure that each child was given the opportunity to have time with their mommy or daddy to say all the things that needed to be said and hear with their ears that they are loved and will be okay. And because of that we have been able to blend, bond, and blossom.

Have a Marvelous Monday Everyone!

Grief? What's that? Part TWO

Now managing grief in my own life is no easy task, but many have asked how I manage the grief of my family. I tell you being a mother and wife is hard work in a family without "issues" and then you throw in anything that sets the earth off kilter and it is nothing short of really hard work, right?

I have my thoughts on managing my kids grief. I did a little non-scientific research when I knew I was faced with the task in 2006. I decided to let my little bit of  knowledge of child psychology be my guide and go with the philosophy of:  listen-when-they-talk, answer-questions-on-their-level and advise-when-advice-is-asked-for."   For all five kids this has worked extremely well.

 All five have shown their grief differently. The eldest have, for the most part, used their own coping skills. They have exercised, created busy-ness in their lives and yes, even used alcohol as a deterrent. The latter I am NOT proud of, but knowing that losing his father at the age of 21 could arouse that potential, I was ready to offer other ideas to that grieving son. For the middle child it has meant times of mouthy, rude behavior. There have been times of tears and times of her just wanting to talk about the old times. Not long ago she told me that she had decided to move on and that she knew her daddy would always be in her heart but she was "ready" to move forward into the next phase of her life. No one rushed her. No one pushed her. She did it when SHE was ready. For the younger two it has mostly meant reliving memories of their past or questions from our youngest as to where Angel Mommy really is. Just this morning as we prepared for school, a commercial came on the TV about the various Catholic cemeteries here. The place where Angel Mommy "is" flashed up on the screen and she said "Look Mommy, that's where Angel Mommy is!" I quickly confirmed that and waited for more conversation. There was none. THAT was all she needed to know. Recently as we prepared for weekend visitors, I removed the 11x14 picture of Angel Mommy from our youngest son's room. The picture stood on his dresser and I just felt like perhaps our guests didn't want to wake to Angel Mommy on the mornings they were here! I safely tucked it between some books in the top of his closet until our guests had left. Upon their departure the picture was the first thing our son asked for. So I reached in the closet, took the picture and placed it back on his dresser. Clearly he is not yet at the point where he wants to put her photo away. THAT IS OKAY. I am not offended in the least and would never try to force him along HIS path of grieving. It's different for every child everyone. For Son #2 it has more or less been a "silent issue", he seems to prefer "personal grief."  He is aware that he is always able to talk to me/us or to anyone else, but being a very introspective person, he has largely dealt with his grief alone. He seems well adjusted, thriving and happy, so HIS approach must be working for HIM.

In my marriage grief has certainly reared it's ugly head a few times here and there. Be it myself or my Hunk, it seems to catch us off guard and never ready. Most frequently for me, I seem to be triggered by dreams of my past or  business issues that have arisen. It's funny to me, but lately I have often found that screaming in privacy helps. When I feel helpless, that is usually my first line of defense. I am NOT proud of that and I continue to work on that monster.

As for my Hunk....I don't know what to really say. He has never really shared his grief with me. Much like Son #2, he prefers to keep his grief personal and private. That works for HIM. The few times I have asked about grief, he has never really wanted to talk about it so we don't. It doesn't "define" our marriage and I am okay with giving him his space, time and privacy to deal as he needs to.

As a family our day to day life is absolutely not surrounded by grief, distant memories or painful reminders. there are times when someone will need to talk and we all try and take the time to listen. But we don't set aside time, talk about sensitive issues or conjure up painful topics that incite the Tsunami wave.

If you were a fly on our wall, you would see a family that is busy, active and healthy. You would see the typical family relationships of sibling arguments, parents asking begging for chores and homework to be done, parents agonizing over trudging through parental decisions, lovers snuggled on a sofa watching a movie and the wheels of my SUV spinning out of control as we are off to yet another activity!

Have a great weekend!

Grief? What's that? Part ONE

On Mother's Day of 1978 my daddy died. He had been sick on and off for sometime. My parents had been divorced since I was around 5 years old. I rarely saw my dad. His death however, took me by storm.

I remember so clearly that day and how my mother chose to tell me. She sent me to HER room and told me to wait quietly there. Of course, at 17, I thought I was in trouble. My mind was a flurry trying to backtrack my last few days and what I could have possibly done. We had just gotten home from my grandparent's home in Charlotte and I hadn't gotten into trouble there. I hadn't been disrespectful or mouthy. Neither of those are good character traits if you're a true GRIT (Girl Raised In The South). So I sat. And I waited for what felt like my lifetime. Suddenly the door opened and Mom walked in with a stoic yet somber look on her face.

"Are you happy with your life?" she bellowed.

What was that supposed to mean to a seventeen year old senior in high school? I was, after all, happy to be alive, to be boy crazy and ready to graduate and  embrace University. My reply was short and sweet.

 "Yes Ma'am".

"Laurayne, your daddy died this morning" she said in a soft yet strong voice.

I have to admit, at first I thought, "WHO?" Then it hit me. By this time tears rolled down her cheeks and fell onto her flowered shirt. As I sat there and watched her cry, I wondered why I was not as affected as she was. I mean, after all, it was MY daddy. She was married to my step-father and had a new family.

As Daddy's funeral drew near, the thought reveled in my mind that I was not sad. I dressed and headed off to pay tribute to a man I really never knew. He was biologically my father, but had never been my "Daddy." I knew his father, my grandaddy so much more. I knew his sisters and his aunts, but I didn't know HIM.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day 1998. I am standing at the kitchen sink rinsing dishes and staring out into the blackness of a cold South Carolina evening. My husband is deployed and I have have three kids underfoot. Not a recipe for a romantic Valentine's Day night for sure! My mind begins to entangle the thoughts of what Valentine's Day should really be. You know, those Hallmark commercial Valentine's Days. I should be seeing my Prince Charming walk through the door, envelope me in his arms and douse me in roses and chocolates. My, was I far from that thought.

As I stood there, tears formed in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. My mind remembered my daddy. Suddenly it was as if he was there beside me. I remembered his gentleness and kindness. I remembered the weekends when he would play with me and take me to the park. I remembered Angelo's and the malted milkshakes we shared. I remembered sucking the foam off his beer and eating boiled peanuts. I remembered the love I had for him and I remembered the FIRST man who loved me. I was lost in grief for the first time. I was engulfed by the absence I felt and the love I had tucked away for that special man...my DADDY.

I had a very similar experience in 2006. After having taken care of Bob for two years while we he battled cancer, I was tired exhausted. For nearly six months I spent every day and many nights by his side in the hospital. As hard as he fought, at times I felt as though I fought harder. The minute by minute decisions were constant and gut wrenching. Seeing him in pain and knowing that he would genuinely rather be in his shoes than have us suffer his pain, was, awe inspiring but humbling. It took it's toll on my body and eventually sucked the energy right out of me.

I remember the morning very vividly, that the doctor called with the news of his passing. It was the first time I had left him in 32 days. As I kissed him goodnight the night before, I had that sinking feeling. Something just told me this could be the last kiss, but yet I knew his spitfire determination and I wanted to believe that he wouldn't "go" without telling our kids goodbye. Yet he did.

After speaking with the doctor, I hung up the phone and quite frankly, a rush of calm enveloped me. Though I was painfully aware that he was with God and I was now ALONE, I was somehow calmed knowing that the utter exhaustion was over and the next phase could begin.

I made the appropriate phone calls, first to his mom and dad and then to the funeral home and our parish priest. Then, I sat down and cried. I remember thinking "what will I tell the kids?" I didn't want it to be a repeat of how my mother had given me the news of my dad's death. I wanted it to be soft and gentle and pretty. So, after a spell of tears and a flood of memories, I trudged up the stairs and into my room where all three were in my bed asleep. I don't remember exactly what my words were as I had always had a way with telling the story with my facial expressions long before I opened my mouth. I think they were along the lines of "do you know who that was on the phone?" and with that, they knew.

The next few days and weeks were a whirlwind of not only emotion, but also errands and meetings and general busy-ness. I kept myself and the kids busy and we managed to quickly get back into the swing of things. Having been a military family, i think we just imagined that daddy was on a REALLY long deployment. That was our coping mechanism. And it worked.

I've never really allowed myself time to grieve. I've cried. I've laughed. I've remembered the good...and the bad...and the ugly. I've shouted at him from time to time and I've cried tears of loss. but I have never really, fully mourned and released and allowed the tsunami rush over me. Partly because I have been busy, partly because I have kids and for whatever reason, I feel like when you have kids, it's kids first, me later.

Later...later...will there be a later...?  I embrace my life. I embrace my past, my present and my future. Perhaps the time will come to let go. Perhpas that time will never come.  But right now, I am truly in my Happy Place. And here and now isn't the time or the place.

IN THE BEGINNING

 God created Adam and Eve, Bob and Laurayne. Things were good in 1983. Bob was a career Army officer and I was a displaced Teacher of the Handicapped. Soon we began our family in Kansas with the birth of our first child, Thomas Matthew. Within two years we moved to Germany and a few years later welcomed second son, Jonathon Taylor. Life was good, but something was missing! Lo and behold it was our third child and first daughter, Jordan Adele. Life was now complete!

We lived the average "American military lifestyle" of sports and dance and deployments. In 2001 we gathered our family and made our final military move to NJ where Bob would work his last few years and retire. Well maybe for our family... not so much.

September 11, 2001 was the day reality that changed our lives and took us on a roller coaster ride that spun out of control. In October 2001 Bob received orders to head to Kuwait and eventually to the "sandbox" that encompassed all of the war zone theatre. After spending over 2 years in the combat zone, he returned to complete his career and begin retirement. None of us knew what lie ahead.

In May 2004 Bob was diagnosed with Hodgkins' Lymphoma and life as our family knew it, changed forever. The next two years were filled with setback after setback and hurdle after hurdle though Bob fought long and hard. After a tireless fight he, lost the battle and the war in May of 2006. Our family was now minus a leader, but plus an angel.

Having 3 months of "closure" was both a blessing and a curse. Though we knew the end was insight, together we made plans for the future for our little family and it felt good to have a road map to outline these plans. Life would not be easy, but it would be easier with our recipe written in stone on paper. I never thought I would say this but, thank God for closure time.

Armed with our battle plan road map, the kids and I marched on, continuing life as we had planned. I was teaching again and the kids were in schools and universities at various places throughout the country. We were busy, healthy and moving forward.

I really never had contemplated dating or remarriage. I was thriving barely hanging on and couldn't really think of more than putting one foot in front of the other. What I did know was that I would need support. Not just my extended family and friend's support, but REAL support from the ranks that were on the Widow Road ahead of me.

In October of of 2006 I joined a popular online support group for people in my boots. I found acceptance and friendship there on a level that meant so much to me. People there KNEW what I was going through and were there anytime of the day or night to help. I realized that I had friends without faces and it was good.

What I didn't know was that, in another country, on a cold October day, a man was weeping by his wife's bedside as she went from this world to the next. What I didn't know, was that this man would reach out to the very same group for support that I did. What I didn't know, was that this man was God's plan for my future.

In April 2007, Ferdinand and I met and began a friendship that would blossom over the next several months into a romance. Through our grief and misfortune, we clung to one another and weathered the storms that grief often throws. We raised and nurtured our children and we began to see that, for us, two was so much better than one.

September 2007 brought about our marriage and in early November we officially blended our families under one roof. For Jordan and I it meant moving to Canada. For Ferdinand, Harley and Hope it meant moving from living with parents and grandparents to living in their first home! For Jon and Matt it meant having their Mom and sister in another country while they completed college and began their lives. It was an exciting time for all.

Today our blended family is happy, well adjusted and thriving.  We are aware of our pasts but READY FOR OUR FUTURE!