Survival

                                                                           
                                

Whew! What a weekend! I absolutely loved it, but I am feeling it's after affects today. It's rainy, cool and grey and I am one tired puppy after a BUSY weekend spent almost exclusively in church. I have never spent so much time in church as I did this weekend. It was a blessing but my knees are feeling the repercussions of it though I have so much to be thankful and on my knees for.


                                               



Survival is such a strong word. When I think "survival", I think SURVIVOR, as in the TV show. You know, lost on a deserted island and left with minimal food and water yet coming out on the other side of weeks in fine shape and attaining the prize. But in fact, I can relate suvivorship to so many times in my life.
                                                           

As a child I often wondered if I would survive a day in school. Then I wondered if I would survive the punishment I would get if my report card and grades were not up to par. I remember like yesterday being 16 and the first time I ever got pulled over by a policeman, and I wondered if I would survive the tongue lashing that awaited me on the home front.

I went away to college and I wondered if I would survive the first week away from home. After a long relationship with my high school sweetheart, I wondered if I would survive the breakup. I wondered about surviving the first ever exam week in college. I met and fell in love with a guy who went to school 2 hours away and I was certain I could not possibly survive only seeing him on weekends. Then he moved to Texas and I knew there was no surviving that distance.                                                                                                         



I married and moved to Kansas, half a country away from my family, and that was an extreme test of my survival. Then I became pregnant and the thoughts of surviving labor caused me such anxiety that I nearly caused early labor! Surviving newborn nights and toddler days were true testings of surviving motherhood.
As a teacher, I had horrific panic attacks of surviving testing week, review time and deadlines.

In 2006 I wasn't sure if I would survive what was then, the biggest survival test of my life, widowhood at 42 with 3 kids. How on earth was I ever to survive filing taxes, taking care of my house, car, kids, job, finances, family? I was seriously doubting my survival on any level.

In 2007 I met my husband. I wondered if I could survive. But this time my emotions were flying all over the place. Survival was the question that popped into my mind EVERY single time we parted ways for weeks or even a month. Survival was questioned when I thought of his Diabetes and the possibility of not having him for the rest of my life. My survival was questioned when I agreed to sell my house in NJ and move to Canada. Would I survive saying goodbye to my friends and family and job and students, all of whom I was richly attached? It was daunting. I tired just thinking about it all.

But anyone that knows me knows that I am a SURVIVOR at heart. My mantra is always "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and so I have survived. My story is not that unique. Many before me have fell upon times when they too questioned whether they could survive the good, the bad and the ugly. I join the ranks of those survivors. I have survived the ugly. I have survived the bad and I am now completely in survivor mode as I embrace the good.
                                            

Our busy family is cause for survival. I have five beautiful and wonderfully made children who make me proud to be their mother. Oh heck yeah I get mad. Oh heck yeah I go through disappointment. Oh heck yeah I, at times, yell and scream. But I wouldn't trade my survival as a mother for anything in the world.

As a wife, I have faced it all. But I have been so very richly blessed to have been given my soul mate, my HUNK and my reason for survival. Without him, I would not question my survival, I simply doubt I would!

We are given gifts for all seasons and as I embrace my middle ages, I am thankful for ALL that I have and ALL that I survive for. I hope that through my actions I am teaching my children to become survivors too.

For me it's no longer a question of "If" it's now a question of "how"? I AM A SURVIVOR...forever.



Cheers this Tuesday~~

Things that are HARD

                                                       


There are things in my life that are hard and there are things that are HARD.

It's hard to be a daughter. And it's often hard to be a sister and a friend. It's hard to pay bills and it's hard do yard work and auto repairs. But those things pale in comparison to being a mentor and trying to "coach" someone through grief and pain. Especially when you've been through it yourself. At least that's my feeling.

My friend recently lost her husband. Although they were only married a short time they were soul mates in every since of the word. And her loss happened very suddenly. Suddenly as in they went to bed and when she woke up he was no longer full of life.



Watching her travel down the lonely road of widowhood is troublesome for me. I remember the desperation that I felt in those early weeks and days. I remember people telling me to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. It wasn't easy. It never is. Sure I could put on a good act in front of people, but when I was alone, as she often is (they had no kids), I. FELL. APART.  I'm sure she does the same.

I wish I had some sage advice that would take away her hurt and pain and make everything alright. the only thing I can offer is...time. It takes time to smile again, to laugh again, to wake up and feel that happy-to-be-alive feeling. I did it a bit faster than most simply because I had 3 kids that were hurting just like I was and my mother had always taught me "the speed of the leader is the speed of the pack" so I knew that if I didn't, they wouldn't.

                                                          

There is something else that was hard for me today. This morning I attended the St. John Bosco Passion Play. Most of you have heard me tell of how B3 was casted to play Jesus. Remember the costume I made last week and how I labored over it? Well today I witnessed the fruit of my labor. Truly I hardly have words that express how I felt. It was AWE-some. The students did an phenomenal job and the play left me speechless in every sense of the word. The last scene portrayed them taking Jesus down from the cross and taking him off with Mary to be placed in a tomb. The stage was left dimly lit with red lights and the solitary cross to which my son, Jesus had just been nailed. POWERFUL. As I walked by his teacher she said "You should really be proud of B3" and I don't even think I could muster words to respond.

I attended the play last year. I remember being moved. I remember being teary eyed and leaving with the feeling of sorrow and to a degree remorse, but today it was different. A different I can't quite explain. I doubt I'll EVER forget the pride and sorrow I felt today. Today as my son portrayed Jesus.

I love Easter. I love everything it stands for and I am humbled every year during Holy Week, but THIS year I know a little of what it felt like to be Mary. It was HARD.

From this way too busy Momma, I bid you a Happy Easter. May all the blessings of our RISEN Lord be yours always and may the Easter Bunny bring you extra special surprises in your basket!                                              
                

See you on Tuesday!

Busy Week

                                                                                                         



This is a busy week. It's not Spring Break, we had our "March Break" in MARCH, but this has been and will be a very busy week. It's Holy Week.

                                                           
I have been swamped. Hunk and I made the decision to re-do our room on Sunday. It was a split second decision fueled by the gorgeous bedding we saw at Bombay. After Palm Sunday Mass we dropped of BG for cotillion practice and went for a nice lunch out. Hunk has been asking for Greek food so we went to our favorite Greek restaurant in Markham. Afterwards we headed next door to the mall.  We only went to the mall to walk our lunch off and kill some time while we waited for BG to finish her cotillion practice. The mall is never a good place to go on a rainy Sunday.
                                      
So Monday found me at the dentist for my semi-annual cleaning and then at the nail salon for my monthly fill-in appt. Afterwards it was imperative I get to the grocery store lest my family have no grub for the week. On the way home I made a quick stop at Home Outfitters, the Canadian version of Bed, Bath and Beyond, in search of curtains for my "new" room.
                                    
Tuesday was yet another busy day. I spent the morning getting B2's immigration packet organized and mailed. I have to say that is not a task for the faint of heart. WOW! I had forgotten how long this process is. It's crazy. But it is mailed and has been officially received, so that ball is finally rolling, YAY! After a stop at the Post office, i made my way to our actual Bed, Bath and Beyond to look for curtains as what I had bought on Monday was the wrong color and texture. I found the perfect curtain but no valance and I NEED a valance. I bought an extra panel to make one with so I am now staring blankly at the fabric and trying to be inspired. I KNOW what I want to do, I just have to get over the jitters and begin by disassembling the panel. For me, it's a "no-turning-back" moment.  I also spent a fair amount of my morning trying to come up with a menu for Easter Sunday Dinner.

This is when I wish so badly that I lived closer to family. I love to cook. Most people tell me that I am good at it, but I would much rather bring a dish and go to Grandma's house! Currently I have 11 things on my menu and there will only be 6 of us for dinner! I am trying to mesh our two cultures and the food and I'm just not good at deciding what to cook and what to leave. I ordered a ham from the Honey Baked Ham place so our dinner is largely centered around that. Now I need to decide which sides are imperative and be put on the chopping block. I'm thinking no 7 layer salad!
                                    
Today is my only day to make a shopping list and sneak over to the fabric store. I also need to get the Easter Lillies and take them to the church by 4. It's currently 1:18. To add to the mayhem, it's POURING and not a day that I would otherwise even go out. Thank goodness I parked in the garage this morning after I took the kids to school!
                                                      
Tomorrow is B3's big day as Jesus! I'll be up and dressed early so that I can make it to the school by 9:45 and stake out my place for the Passion Play. It has to be strategic as I am also the family videographer since Hunk and the grandparents won't be there to see it. After the play I am off to the Asian grocery store for the Asian portion of our Easter meal. Then back to the grocery store for the last minute pickups. Then I'll come home and get as many of the sides made as I can. I also need to make a pound cake.
                                                                         
Friday is Good Friday. It's a legal holiday here in Canada. Nothing is open. BG has her Confirmation retreat all day. LG will be an altar server for the Stations of the Cross at 2 and then we have the regular Good Friday Mass and stripping of the Altar at 3.
                                  
Saturday is shaping up to be another busy day too. BG has a photo shoot at 9:30am for the cotillion and then cotillion practice. We must pick up the ham at the butcher by 4 and we are picking Hunk's mother up for an over night stay. BG will be confirmed at the Easter Vigil Mass at 8pm. so that will be a long night as well.
                                                              
That brings us to Easter! Now while most people are enjoying a lovely day off, Easter is my 3rd busiest day. Ahead of it are Thanksgiving and Christmas. LG has to serve at our 11am Mass which will be a High Mass. Afterwards we'll come home change clothes and have our egg hunt and dinner. Don't ask when we'll hide the eggs, I have no idea. Heck I don't even know when we'll dye them! And guess what? I haven't decorated a bit for Easter!  All the decorations are in the basement! Add another thing to the list!
                                                         


So it IS a busy week. We won't have B1 or B2 here for Easter since BG and B3 graduate in June they will be here then. I see that as a little bit of  respite because that's 2 less baskets I have to fill, but we sure will miss them.

If you were a fly on my wall right now, you'd see sweat pouring off this momma and a very frazzled look on my face and you'd see a BUSY but happy family enjoying the fruits of my labor! I love my family...even at my busiest!
                                                  

Mom and Mothering Adult Children



Well if you're wondering about that topic, so am I! Both things popped into my head and I couldn't choose so I have decided to tackle both. You'll find they are strangely related.

So I am, very proudly, the child of a young mother. My mother was 17 when I was born. Just a child herself. My parents had been married for 13 months when I made my entrance into their lives. I was a very wanted and planned child IF a 17 year old can plan. Today I look at my barely 18 year old daughter and think to myself "No way."


Mother and Big Girl -2006





My mother and I have always had a relationship more like best friends. Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW the difference between when her "mother hat" is on and her "friend cap" is on. It's all in the tone of voice. You know what I mean.  I'm not sure if this type of relationship is a good or bad thing. While it has worked nicely for us, it set me up with a tendency to want to drag that Psyche along with me into parenthood and I don't think that has been so good at times.
Today Mom and I are best friends. We can talk about anything and she knows most of my deepest darkest secrets. In fact, she probably knows ALL of them and I just don't know that she knows! Get it?  I know many of hers as well, but because I AM her child I prefer to think and hope that she does have some things hidden away. We have been through a lot together.

It's a bit sad that as time has gone by, the tables have, at times, turned. There are times now that I feel as though I am thrown into more of a mothering role and she is the one needing to be mothered. I find that I am rallying her to do more, be more, see more. I am coaching her to eat, take care of herself, not waste money, look after he bills and keep up with us four children. Twenty years ago I would have never dreamed it would be this way. Time.

By today's standards I guess you could say I was also a young mother though not as young as my mother. I was 21 and a half when Biggest Boy was born. I had been married just 16 months and had moved to the center of the USA to begin married life and motherhood. Twenty six and a half years have passed since that snowy December morning. Now I too am mothering an adult. But...I am doing it very differently. In fact, I am mothering THREE adults as Boy Two and  Big Girl are now nearly 23 and 18 respectively.

The 3 "adult kids" circa 2006
2/3 weren't adults yet!

The saying that "all kids are different" is extremely obvious in our family. Biggest Boy has been my challenge for many years now. There was a bond formed between us at birth. I struggled with his pregnancy and birth and today I am still struggling. It's so different yet so much the same. The struggle to keep him alive and well. Yet, while he was "in me" I could control to a degree his little life and even as he was born and grew up, today I can not. Today I have no say in what he does, how he does it, if he gets rest, eats properly and has good wholesome friends. Today he is a grown man, responsible for himself.

I still get those middle of the night or afternoon phone calls that begin "Hey Mommy" and I know. I know that either he is fishing for advice or needs something. He doesn't call me "Mommy" unless one of the two (or both) are needed.  Any other time it's  simply "Ma". The issue with ME is: at what point do you say enough is enough and pull away allowing the kid to just either sink or swim? I can't always be that life preserver for him or for any of my five brood for that matter (although the younger two are much too young to cut bait and let sink)  I think that at 26 you should no longer call your parents and ask for a plane ticket for no real reason other than YOU can't afford it. Life's lesson is "If YOU can't afford it then you don't go" NOT "Call Mom and Dad they'll help out" Heck, at 26 I was mother to 2 young boys and living in a foreign country!

By the same token, we have been "carrying" Boy 2 for long enough. He is STILL a full time student in University after five years. Thus far we have paid all or a portion of his rent and tuition and bought books and given allowances as well as bought every ticket to come home for breaks and summers. AND we have paid his cell bill every month. He has changed majors twice meaning that his studies have been prolonged but I have finally put my "Momma hat" on and said enough is enough. Next year, his rent, tuition, bills and so forth are just that...HIS.

It's now time for Big Girl to head off to her world of Higher Education. Our money and time will be focused on her for the next several years. Those calls of desperation will, no doubt, come and we need to be ready to offer our advice and help until she has reached the level of adulthood where she can make good, reasonable choices and decisions and the we can pull away...slowly, just as we have "tried" to do with the older boys.

Amazingly enough, we as parents get wiser with each child. Our learning never stops and we evolve into better parents as we walk the parenting road. While Biggest Boy held on far too long, Boy 2 was unleashed a bit sooner.  I think Big Girl will do her job in teaching us, furthermore, that... girls are different!




Circa Christmas 2009


We have a long way to go it's true....but boy have we come so far!

Have a super terrific weekend! It's going to be a rainy, chilly one for us. I have even heard rumblings of the dreaded "S" word for Sunday....SNOW!  But we DO live in Canada ya know!!

POLITICAL PARENTING

While we are in the throws of the Canadian political process and on the dawn of the American politicians announcing that they will run for the Presidential Primary, I thought it a good idea to address Parental Politics.

Have you ever really thought about where you would fall if parenting were given parties? No I don't mean parties as in wine and cheese, but as is Conservative, Democratic, Liberal,  Green, Republican, NDP etc...?  Let's look at how the parties might even be formed. I make no direct reference to any particular "real" Party here folks. This is just my own little bloggy thought.



Would the Democratic Party of Parents represent parents who saw parenting from the Right's point of view. Could it be that those DPP's would view allowances as being paid fairly across the board. In other words, all children would get a standard, let's say five dollars a week, for completing their chores and being a good citizen? Would all punishments be equal no matter the crime? And would the norm be "what's good for one is good for all?"

                                               

By the same token, would the Conservative or Republican Party of Parents deal with their issues so as to pay older kids more for more chores done and more maturity shown, while the younger children are expected to do less therefor get less?  Would you more severely punish an older child because they should "know better" all the while giving the younger child time to learn from their mistakes? Would you encourage kids to shun the lower class while climbing the proverbial "ladder" to fame and fortune?

                                                

And the Parental Green Party...how would they fit in? I guess their biggest concern might be whether they were raising morally conscious kids in the realm of keeping our Earth alive and well by doing more for communities and accepting less pay in the allowance box merely because "If we all pitch in the world would be a better place." Would organic food be the norm?

                                      

And the Liberal Party of Parents....would you preach feminism, or gay rights or even the notion that "if it feels good, do it?" Would these parents want their children to walk around with tie-dyed shirts and peace signs singing kumbayah?

In our home, I would like to think we combine all of these types into our very own VPP. (Velasco Parenting Party) I want our kids to be well rounded self thinkers. In some aspects of our parenting we do give the same to all. For instance, recently we sent our eldest daughter on a three month exchange to France. It didn't take long for our youngest son to ask if he was going to get to go too. Of course...if he is interested in doing that when he is in Grade 11, we will certainly make that happen. And as most parents, I think we do expect our older kids to know better therefor we do more severely punish them if they KNOW and do it anyway. This fame and fortune thing is tricky. What parent doesn't want their kid to be rich and famous? I mean, I want MY kids to find the cure for cancer, don't you? What I don't want is for them to forget their background and heritage thus shunning those less fortunate while getting there. That is NOT good. No matter how you slice it. As far as Mother Earth is concerned, we are a "green, Earth friendly" family. We recycle, we reuse and we reduce. We also use as little harmful chemicals as we can. And I am frequently heard saying "If you would just help him/her it would get done faster and you could be having fun already!" I preach tolerance and peace. I teach equality and I also think it;s extremely important to teach getting rewarded for doing above and beyond to go that extra little mile and make the best YOU that YOU can be.

                                                                


So what party would the VPP follow? I think it would simply be the VPP! That's a great blend for this BLENDED FAMILY! (and it's politically correct on all fronts!)